What Up, Vienna? when a girl and a guy from los angeles move their asses halfway across the world

please do cry for me, friends

by michelle

Yesterday, it was snowing here. Today, it is raining Katzen und Hunden. Basically, it's miserable outside. Now, here I am having to sit down and write about my trip to Hawaii last week. Sob story, I know. Oh, I can hear the sarcasm in your voices. You know what? It's all relative, people. My life is my life. My trials and tribulations are still trials and tribulations. My "it is raining Katzen und Hunden in my idyllic neighborhood in Vienna" is your "there are fires in the hills and I can't breathe because of all the ash in the air." My "I can't figure out where to buy travel-size contact lens solution in this city" is your "it took me 4.5 hours to drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica on the 10 because people were checking out an accident at the Robertson exit." My "they put too much jam in my crepes" is your "my unemployment just ran out and I had to start buying generic macaroni and cheese." Like, I said. It is all relative.

Now, let's talk about MY TRIP TO GLORIOUS HAWAII:

First off, we got to the airport and nobody bought me a lei.

We got to the hotel and still nobody bought me a lei.

We got up to our room and there was still no lei!!

Let me just say that adjusting to a 12-hour time difference sucks. It's as bad as you can get. Your mind and body are completely effed. Down is up, up is down, red is green, 2+2=3, Michael Jackson is still alive... You know what I'm saying. First night, I lay down for a nap at 4:30pm watching Judge Judy (Hi, Grandpa!) while Alex is checking in at his conference (that's why we were there in the first place). So he comes back around 5:30pm and asks me if I am able to go anywhere and I mumble something akin to, "There is no way in hell's bells I'm moving one inch." Flash forward to me waking up at 3:30 in the a.m. READY TO GO. I'd say every day that scenario repeated itself improved by an hour and a half or so. It was an accomplishment when I finally was able to stay awake until 9:30pm and that was probably three days after we got there.

So that Sunday was my birthday. I turned 33. I ain't ashamed to say it. Although, that was Jesus's age when he was MURDERED. Well, you'll be happy to know I managed to survive the whole day without coming to the same end. Or did I? SCARY LAUGH. Anyhow, we decided to put on our tourist pants and go sightseeing. We had reserved a rental car and when we went to go pick it up, I dropped that it was my birthday. Bam, UPGRADE. It was that easy. I wish I could bottle up this charm and sell it to you, but I cannot. We got a Mustang! This is a car that before having ridden in it, I would have never ever considered buying and now after having had use of it for a day I would... never ever consider buying it. I really don't know how to put this eloquently. The insides is ugly. And this particular Mustang had all sorts of dents and scratches on the outside of it too. I will not hold that against all Mustangs but it did sully the excitement of driving around a "sports car" for a day.

The first place on our itinerary was the Diamond Head Crater. It was beautiful. You can see pictures of it and everything else for that matter in the "Action Photos" section. So I knew going into this situation that a visit to this crater usually necessitates a 2.5 hour hike up to the top to bask in breathtaking visages of the island of Oahu. I also knew that my companion loves a good hike almost as much as he loves yours truly. However, I did not factor in that when we got there it would be skin-melting hot. It was Texas hot . Also, I forgot that I really, really hate hiking. And we were supposed to hike up and up and up closer to the SUN? I kept my reservations inside for about the first 100 feet deciding how appropriate it was to put a cabash on this foolish venture. We could die! Then I remembered it was my birthday. And nobody should suffer on their birthday. As a matter of fact, nobody should have to do anything that they even slightly don't want to do on their birthday. So I announced my discontent... and we turned back. Poor Alex. He was silently heartbroken. His sad face wasn't silent though. He was screamingly facebroken. That's a saying, right?

After that, our next stop was the Dole Plantation. Now, we had heard that this was a must-see on a trip around the island. I really think Alex and I had built it up in our minds as some sort of tropical Wonka's Chocolate Factory. That it was not. We were cornered by a souvenir lady before we even got in the door. She had us participate in a "raffle" where we won the ability to get 50% off on her shitty product that was probably marked up 90% to begin with. We juked her and then went inside where we had to evade two or three more of her ilk. And that was probably the last interesting that happened. This main building was just a weird store for Dole-labeled products. There was no pineapple wallpaper. There was no pineapple-juice river. The souvenir ladies could have at least limped on canes towards us then turned into a somersault before shoving their wares in our faces. I would have paid 0% off for that, souvenir lady robot army! You're doing it all wrong.

Well, we did manage to salvage the trip though because the one great unfuckupable thing they have at the Dole Plantation is the world's largest maze! And even though it was drizzling, we were not leaving without getting in that maze. It was three miles of fun, right? Trapping yourself in a maze while it was drizzling is a great idea, right? Right? It started out fun. And honestly, it ended fun too. The drizzle turned into actual rain. The whole maze was overrun with huge snailman creatures. It was muddy. You couldn't tell the passages for the maze from the holes in the hedges. It was a losing venture. We made it to one of the six requisite "stamp your card" checkpoints and decided to consult the map to get the hell out of there. I have no idea how Alex figured out where we were on the labyrinth of the map and got us out so lickety-split either. It was impressive. Anyhow, here is a video clip of a bit of our aMAZEing time. You can see more video clips on our "Videos (Not Porn)" section too, by the by.

So that was the long of the short of our trip. I loved Hawaii. The murderous jetlag was worth it. I would do it again. Now, I'm back in freezing cold Vienna. It feels even colder having to think about my time in Hawaii. Oh, well. Guess I'll try and console myself while I'm in Strasbourg, France this weekend.

See ya, suckers!