What Up, Vienna? when a girl and a guy from los angeles move their asses halfway across the world

vienna is auf dem tisch

A few months before we moved to Vienna, Alex and I both decided to start learning German. We each had our own methods. I bought a few "How to Learn German" books online. And Alex bought the German-language first book of Harry Potter. He is still about five pages into said book. It is his thinking that since he has already read the book and that it is an easy read (it's for kids for god's sakes), he will be able to fly through the book, quidditching his way into German fluency. I am not sure that plan worked and now I think he just brings it out every once in a while to prove a point. One effective thing we both started doing though is taking the online German course at livemocha.com. It's a great free site. In one of the first lessons, we learned the phrase "auf dem tisch" which directly translates to "on the table." Alex and I have given it the looser, more awesomer translation of "off the hook." It's got the perfect matching cadence. I think it will catch on. Grassroots, everybody. Join our "auf dem tisch" brigade.

Alex was a few weeks ahead of me here in Vienna and he managed to pick up an impressive number of helpful Viennese German phrases. He can buy things at a store, order at a restaurant and use the public transportation like nobody's business. I'm catching up a little. Viennese German is different than German German. Don't step in Wien thinking you can Guten Tag your way around. You got to know your "Gruß Gott." You say "Gruß Gott" when you're entering anywhere... a bank, a restaurant, a store, etc. It literally means, "Greet God." You say it to them, they say it to you, you say say it to them, they say it to you some more. It really goes on and on. Another good one is... "Schönen tag!" That's Viennese for "Have a good day!" My coffee shop lady taught me that one. Maybe the next thing I should learn is what is the Viennese German for "coffee shop lady."

It isn't really enough though. You can learn how all these survival phrases but that really doesn't help you to have a for-real conversation with anybody. I can hi-bye until der cows come home but that's not going to help me be a jackass. I need vocabulary. I need verbs. I need some vernacular firepower. It's been great living in this city for the last couple of weeks as average everywoman notnecessarilyfunnytoanybody, but I've had enough. It's like my own "Black Like Me." It's hard for you not-funny people, I get it. I now can empathize with your frustratingly dull empty lives. Now, I'm ready to move on and work on taking over this town. So I decided to sign up for German school. I comparison shopped and ended up going with Deutschakademie. They offer an intensive German course in December for 250 euros. Three hours a day, five days a week for three weeks. I'll be missing the first day because I'll be on my way back from American Thanksgiving in Bonn, Germany. They're cool with it. They respect our religious holidays.

When I went into the offices to sign up, I had to take a test. Now, as intimidated as I am in most person-to-person interactions here in Vienna, being tested on the language was frightening. However, I didn't do that bad. I picked up enough things on the livemocha and living here the last couple weeks to get 11 out of 20 on the first test. That kind of put me on the bubble between the first two levels of classes, so she had me take another test. That test kicked my ass. I gave up around question 15. However, still apparently, I was somewhere in the middle. So then we had a German conversation in which I held my own. The one thing I have been having lately are basic conversations so I talked my way through the fake store, fake restaurant and fake himynameis and howareyous. And I landed myself in the second-level class. With that I have promised to continue studying until the classes start. Uhhh, yeah...of course. Let me explain to you, my M.O. for this class and for any class I have ever had in my entire life with the exception of that Journalism Law class I took in college and flunked twice forcing me to drop my Journalism Major (sorry for hearing it like this, Mom)... ahem, so my M.O. for this class is to learn the shit out of German before class starts so it's super easy and I can just spend my time being a jackass. Jackasses make friends! People love jackasses! Jackasses make fun of themselves. Jackasses make fun of teachers! Jackasses make the world go round. And if any of my highschool or college teachers/professors somehow find their way onto this page and decide to comment their beg-to-differs... ignore those buzzkills. They loved it and they know it.

Classes start December 1st. I'll report back then.