i know all there is to know about the crying gameby michelle
Alex and I had separate flights from Vienna to Hawaii. Mine was through DC. And that is where this story takes place. I arrived in my nation's capitol about 4pm. I had about an hour and a half to connect and it takes bloody forever to go through customs. You have to wait there in line with a million people in the same predicament as you. And there was this jackass of a guy who was trying to cut past everybody because he has a plane to catch. Really, a plane? Guess what? We ALL have a plane to catch, a-hole. I actually said that to him minus the a-hole part.
I finally got to my gate with a few minutes to spare. And....the flight was overbooked. (Thanks United!) So I just had to wait there for my name to be called. Tick tock. Tick tock. Finally, she sighed and said, I hate to do this. And then she said two names...one not my name and one MY NAME. Hallelujah. Let's roll. (Okay, maybe that's not the right thing to say when talking about an impending plane ride) So I get on the plane where I have been instructed to find an open seat. I spy one right away but the other girl was right there and her name was called first and I am nice so I did something that was going to become very regrettable... I offered her the seat. I did that assuming the other purported open seat was just going to be a few rows back...so I kept walking... and walking... until I found myself at the end of the plane part. Shit, no more seats. Dammit! Why was I so nice to that girl I didn't know? She was probably a jerkface too. Maybe I could just go unnoticed and let this plane take off with me standing here and I could do a choreographed dance between the aisles and the lavatories for the next five hours? I didn't get a chance. I got spotted. I wish I had worn my "inconspicuous part of the interior of an airplane" camouflage. Exit, stage left. Sigh. Cue plane take off. Now show me some despair. Oh, DESPAIRRRRR.
I was so very tired. And so very screwed. It was too late to get on any flights after that one. Alex was on his way to Los Angeles where he was expecting to meet me at my gate when we were then supposed to go to meet the good Jim Hamilton at baggage claim. I had no American cell phone. I had no American money. So I had to go exchange my 10 odd euros for cash and then use that cash to get change from a bartender. Then, I had to travel in a time machine back to 1998 and use a payphone. Oh, the humanity. And I'm jetlagged to the point of feeling drugged. Well, I guess, technically, I was jetlagged AND drugged. It's a PRESCRIPTION!
So then I had to go wait in line. It seems really unfair that they overbook your flight, they screw your plans and then they make you wait in an unreasonably long line. (Thanks United!) Not to mention an unreasonable long line with pissed-off, crazy people. Everybody wants you to join their Team Angry Consumer. I just wanted out of there. It took probably an hour and a half of line waiting before I got my turn. At this point, I was kind of glad to be getting a hotel and some cash. It was late and I had enough jetlag to work through already without adding on another three-hour time difference. There was another flight at 8am in the morning which would put me in Los Angeles 11amish which wasn't going to be so terrible. However, as the man helping me was ringing it up, he realized that that morning flight was sold out too and he wasn't going to have a specific seat available for me. He said that I was first on the list though and it shouldn't be a problem. (DANGER DANGER DANGER) I was too tired to protest though. (No, Michelle. Protest! You should protest!) Sure, fine, whatever. Where's the bed?
I got back to the airport the next morning with plenty of time to spare. I wanted to be the first person at the gate. The rep finally showed up about an hour after I got there and she barely looked up when she told me that the flight was overbooked (Thanks United!) and she couldn't promise that I would get a seat and THAT SHE WOULD CALL MY NAME WHEN SHE DID. She had to say that over and over to people. I didn't want to make her madder so I just sat nearby and waited patiently and hoped hoped hoped things were not going to turn into a shitstorm. Then, I heard her say to somebody that the next available flight after this one didn't leave until like 8pm. SHITSTORM! I started to panic. And I realized that drastic measures needed to be taken. There was only one choice. I had only one option. I went up to that counter and focused on the new less-angry-seeming lady that was now there... and I started, "I know that you have said this over and over and that you'll call my name when you can give me a seat but I just had to say something because I just have to get on that plane. I can't stay here in D.C. all day. I don't know anybody here. (Voice crack) I don't have a cell phone. I don't have any money. (Tears) I've been living in Vienna and my boyfriend is supposed to meet me in Los Angeles and we're going to Hawaii tomorrow and I can't stay here (Full-on crying with an audience)." I looked at her face and I saw that I broke her. She looked back at me with Mom eyes. Mission accomplished. She said to just be patient and listen for my name. I wasn't embarrassed that I cried in public. I wasn't embarrassed because all those people waiting for their names to be called were just jealous that they didn't do it first. And they couldn't do it now. That would be so transparent. Five minutes later, mine was the first name called. And when I went up to get my boarding pass, the first meaner gate lady held on to it, looked at me with these super "tsk, tsk" eyes and said, "Next time... don't cry."
Sorry, mean lady. It worked too good. My only regret is I didn't cry the night before.
word of the day is rechnungby michelle
That means check, by the way. I have proudly used it twice today. And I'm thinking about going to sit down at a cafe again just so I can drop it thrice.
Enough about that though. I promised I would tell you about my first few days in Vienna and I am now going to deliver.
I made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. My bff Jim Hamilton parked the car and helped me lug in my suitcases. I had one large suitcase which the night before Jim and my friend Cesar lifted and declared the weight to be around 35 pounds IF THAT. They scoffed at the idea that the suitcase was anywhere near the 50 pound maximum. Even though I trusted their supreme non-accredited weight-guessing skills, I brought a bag just in case some clothes would have to be removed to shave off a few pounds. Well, I did not have to do that. However, it was closer to me having to do that than the suitcase weighing in anywhere near 35 pounds. It was 47 pounds and change. Nice, gentlemen. I hope this comedy thing works out for you because your hopes of a lucrative career in state fair weight guessing have just been dashed. I'm writing strongly-worded letters on your... what's the opposite of behalf?
So the LAX to DC flight was mostly uneventful. I had my middle seat switched to an aisle so that was a huge win. I had plans to not fall asleep at all but nature took over and comatosed me for the better part of two hours. I'm glad I got that energy nap because I needed it for the breakneck sprint I had to take in order to make my connecting flight. Well, I had a heavy roller suitcase, bulky laptop bag and a pillow so it was only a sprint relative to that. It was more like a breathing-hard, long-strided shuffle wherein after I got off the shuttle to the correct concourse I alternated between looking at what time it was on my iPhone and counting off the gates as I got closer. I hoped to be able to get something to eat and go to the bathroom. I was lucky to make it on the plane. My luck ended though when I found myself in a middle seat on a nine-hour flight. I think somebody's bad karma must have gotten mixed up with my great person karma. I was sandwiched in between a young nomadic fellow who had a Fulbright scholarship to teach English just outside of Vienna and a veteran of the State Department who has lived in a litany of countries some of which I'm pretty sure she just made up. In between visiting with my plane pals and eating and drinking and Xanax pill taking, I probably slept all of 90 minutes. That Xanax was a waste. Sure it made me not scared about falling in to the ocean but it did not render me unconscious as I had envisioned. I think on the next flight we might have to take my two beers and a Xanax on a full stomach plan up a notch. Maybe three beers, two Xanax and I don't eat for 48 hours beforehand? I'll try it and report back.
So the flight gets in to Vienna about 40 minutes early. I managed to follow the little pictures of suitcases to the passport line to the baggage claim and I even figured out which carousel my bags were on. However, I realized for the first time in my entire life... I had to get one of those cart things. Lordy, I am stumped. Why, the instructions to extricate one of these carts appears to be in a foreign language. As I stood there mouth agape looking lost, a fine young airport employee came to my aid and told me I needed Euros.
"Uhhh, I don't have any!!"
He points to the currency exchange behind me.
So I go to the counter and plop down my $30 and change I have in American. The Frau hands me what look likes Monopoly money and some doubloons. I walk back over to my new best friend and just held out the money to him my eyes pleading help me. He took it from there and soon I had my cart. Carts are fun! Why didn't I know this before? Suddenly it was a party. I got my bags and grand prixed my cart out through customs to the very, very happy open arms of Alexander Platt!! Three weeks and five days apart is way too long. It won't be happening again.
Umm, I know I said I'd tell you about my first coupla days in Vienna. I didn't really get that far. I'm a jerk. Stay tuned. I'll fill you in, I promise.
breaking health news (and a few other things)by michelle
My doctor called me. I have good news and bad news. Good news is my cholesterol went down a whopping 60 points with absolutely no effort on my part. It was getting close to the high side when I saw him last and this has sent me back into normalsville. High fives all around. Now for the bad news. Are you sitting down? Apparently... I seem to be vitamin D deficient. You're probably asking yourself or the internet... What does that mean? I will answer that question for you.. Nothing to really write home about. Unless you feel like oldschooling it up and writing a nice letter back home.
"Dear Home,
Michelle Biloon seems to be Vitamin D deficient. I think she needs to drink more milk in the sun with no sunscreen on. And please remember to write her family a sympathy card when she dies of skin cancer.
Fondest regards,
Dr. Idiot"
So I am not opting for that drinking milk / hanging out in the sun combo. My doctor has advised me to take 8000 iu of Vitamin D drops every day. That is four times the amount recommended on the bottle! And, no, it doesn't get you high. Then again, I was just dropping it into Kool-Aid. Maybe I should try some gin.
And in other news, I feel compelled to report that I had my last day at work a week early. It was not by my choice. I won't go into details but let's just say that my boss and I never really got along. I think we differed on the grounds that I am a very talented, worthwhile, professional human being and he is a douchebag. I really can think of no other reason why you would terminate somebody's contract a week before their last day when they originally gave three months notice so you would have enough time to prepare for the eventual departure. Oh, well. It actually worked out for the better because as it turns out, I seemed to have a lot of errands to run. I should have always had had an extra week of not working before I left. I don't know what I was thinking. I would not have been able to finish all my to-dos what with next week's goodbye show having, Judge Judy taping going to and Disneyland rabblerousin'.
So here I am now at my parents' place in Sun City, AZ. I will be leaving on a plane on Monday leaving my car behind. My stepfather has already made mention of taking the stickers off my bumper. I thought about it and offered, "Well, you can give me $20 for every sticker you take off." Success! I think my stickers will be safe.
So I have more week left. One week from now, I will be on a plane to Austria. It hurts my brain to think about it. I might as well be moving to Mars. Even though Alex is there and tells me about what he sees and does every day, it still seems so surreal for me to be there. It's like finding out what happens after you die. I can't imagine it but I know I'm going to know one day what it is. And next week is that day everybody. The finding out about living in Vienna part, not finding out what happens after you die. Damn! I just jinxed myself. Great, I'm going to have to take four Xanax now just to make it through this flight.
Stay tuned for upcoming huge news from Alex. I won't spoil it.
alex is gone gone gone…by michelle
The first (maybe third or fourth really) domino has fallen everybody and now there's no stopping it. This domino in particular is on his way eastward (first stop Utah!) right now in a Prius packed to the brim. He might not say this to you but he was a mite sad when hitting the road today. Even with the expensive groceries, congested roads, self-important people, $80 parking tickets (we got one last night)... Los Angeles is all right. It has Trader Joe's, the Arclight, really cheap nail salons (All Star Nail on Santa Monica and Poinsettia!), taco stands, the Hollywood Bowl, great comedy at the UCB and other places, Dodger Stadium, great weather, STREET MEAT (bacon-wrapped hot dogs sold late night around Hollywood Blvd parts) and the list goes on. I still have another month to visit all my favorite places and do all my goodbyes. I think I'll be sad when I go too. But then I'll be in Vienna. And then in Hawaii. And then in Vienna again. So I'll recover.
Also, I just read that Jermaine Jackson is trying to put together a Michael Jackson tribute concert that is supposed to happen in VIENNA of all places. The promoters are claiming all sorts of people appearing at this concert whose people all seem to deny that they will be appearing at any such concert. And Jermaine Jackson claims there will be an attendance of 250k. Will all of Eastern Europe be attending? It also just so happens that the date of this concert is supposed to be September 26th, the day that I get there. Putting aside my extreme doubt this concert will ever actually happen and if it does that it will have anywhere near the magnitude that it is proclaimed to have, this might make for a really shitty jet-lagged transport from the airport to our apartment. I'll just have the Xanax at the ready so I can refuel once we touch down. And that's really a tribute to Michael Jackson in itself.
i need a personal assistant. i’m out.by michelle
My list is longer. Why won't people let me do things that I need to do? I have it on my list. I want to cross it off my list Then, they're like, "oh, you have to call back in two weeks." or "it's in the mail, we promise." or "we don't like and we don't want to help you and we hope you crash into the Atlantic." Wow, that was harsh, fake last person.
Here are my big problems right now:
- Even though I was promised this, I haven't received my driver's license renewal form in the mail. I called the DMV and they said to come in around August 25th which is 60 days before my birthday. (I am giving you that extra information so you will buy me a present). Well, I will be somewhere in between Chicago and Boston on that day so it will have to wait until Sept. 2nd or so. I hope I can get my actual license before I take off on Sept. 26th.
- I also haven't received my lien release although it was clearly promised to me that it was being sent out 48 hours after that big todo a couple of weeks ago. I even shelled out $17 for it! I called yesterday and this super Jehovah's Witness level nice guy profusely apologized and told me he was personally bringing it to the mail room. I do not necessarily believe this man and the picture he was painting for me. Anyhow, when I get this said document, I have to go to the DMV and try to get my title which will take another four weeks. This means I have to get it before Tuesday August, 17th otherwise I'm H-E-Double L Screwed because then I won't be able to take care of it until I get back on 9/2. Which means I will not get that title before I leave. Which means I can't sign it over to my Mother. Which means I have to keep insuring my car. Glory be, karma. What have I done to ye?
- It is hot in my apartment. Ridiculously hot. I will admit I had a super high electric bill the last coupla months and upon investigation I found the thermostat in the bedroom was on ever-so-slightly. That was foolish and it has since been remedied. However, this did not fix the hot living room dilemma. And that thermostat is 100% off as it has been all this while. And I can't open the windows because the cats have torn through the screens and they will undoubtedly take a leap for it given the chance. So I am forced to blast the AC to combat what is surely a broken thermostat. It's the battle of the century. And the human people are losing. I am going to alert my landlord the next time I see him patrolling the neighborhood to see if he can Bill Clinton my situation. (I submit "Bill Clinton" to be the new verb to use if you need anything saved, helped or any general superhero type task)
This is the short, most immediate, anxiety-inducing list. It makes that bottle of Xanax I have on my counter that was prescribed to me to use on my impending plane rides over the water very tempting.
And, in closing, Alex is back in town and living in my apartment. He has not domestic violenced me yet. Nor I him. YET.
the @whatupvienna twitter
the @biloon twitter
the photos
the weather
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Mostly Cloudy
32°F
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Fri
37/30
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Sat
42/30
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Sun
42/33
the comments
- MomBiloon on action photos
- sphobia on take your prague and shove it
- katy on take your prague and shove it
- AP on take your prague and shove it
- Stephanie on he liked it so he went and put a ring on it (among other things)
the most commented
the links
- american women's society of vienna
- bjarni & dorte machen wien
- deutschakademie
- english cinema in vienna
- english theatre in vienna
- germanwings
- livemocha
- official website of comedian michelle biloon
- the @drplatt twitter
- the daily flailure
- the gregor mendel institute
- vienna expats forum
the calendar
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